Medieval Jerry
Moats. What are we doing with these?
What’s the deal with calling someone “the good” these days? “John the good.” “Martha the good.” “Edgar the good.” Yeah, how about you just tell me your name and leave how good you are to me. And now “good” isn’t even good enough. Now you gotta be great. “Alfred the great”? Sure, and I’m “Jerry the best.”
Jousting. Have you heard about this genius pastime? Hey! Why don’t I sit on my horse over here, and you sit on your horse over there, and we’ll slam into each other as fast as humanly possible. Oh yeah, Lancelot over here’s got a bright future.
So I hear the black death’s been going around again. Although it’s a bit of a strong name there, “the black death.” Doesn’t really put you at ease, does it? Who is naming these plagues, anyway? Maybe if they called it beige fever we could all relax a little.
So I see the Welsh are still fighting with the bow and arrow. You know they’ve seen the crossbow. They know about the crossbow. Somehow these guys are unimpressed. “Nope! We’re stickin’ with the bow.” Yeah, good luck with that.
Moats. What are we doing with these? You think a puddle’s gonna stop the French from storming our castles? We marched all the way through Burgundy an army of 10,000 strong, but fifteen feet of water? I don’t think so… Wouldn’t want to get my sword wet.
Speaking of the French, did you hear about their new king Louis the ninth? Ninth! Why not try a new name already? How about Guillaume or something? Live a little... And does it just go on forever with these names? Make way everybody, it’s Pope Leo Five Thousand!
So I heard the town crier announce a tax on millet this week. Although the town crier, he’s really more of a “town yeller,” isn’t he? Wait till he comes down with a case of beige fever—then he’ll have something to cry about. What’s that, Karl? You’re coming in a bit raspy today… You might wanna get that checked out.
Have you seen the bishops with these hats, by the way? Who is making these hats? Where are they getting these hats? Imagine sitting behind one of these guys at a jousting tournament. Hey, I’m tryin’ to watch Lancelot over here!
Speaking of the clergy, I was talking to a monk the other day and he tells me, “Actually, I’m a friar.” I’ll tell you what you are, sandal boy, is you’re in my way.
It’s all about what you wear, these days. People are always yelling “My knight in shining armor! My knight in shining armor!” Shining? So you want a guy in new armor, is what you’re saying. Totally untested in battle, no idea what he’s doing. Oh, but he looks good? Now I can sleep at night… Show me a man who’s got filthy armor and I’ll show you a champion.
Thank you, Your Majesty, you’ve been a great audience.